Hey Vincent... so my instincts are you've got way too much story here for a two minute short; it's like you're trying to tell two stories, and your second story - the bearded egg's attempt to live in 'the real world' will require you to design another entire world. I also think the whole 'losing your glow' is a further complication you don't need. Can I suggest perhaps that you consider compressing your story in this sense... so after the purple egg is ejected it joins with a heap of other inert eggs (that don't hatch) - the purple egg hatches and looks around at its surrounding and on the walls of this reject area there are lots of 'Levittown' style posters depicting stereotypical heteronormative families - the posters are coded so while the characters on them are smiling, the audience (you and I) regard them as creepy and a bit sinister; think of it as heteronormative propaganda; so the hatched egg looks at these smiling faces or whatever and we watch as the hatchling figures out that it is 'wrong'... poor hatchling... then, from off-screen, we hear more cheerful noises... and through a door or hatch or whatever, the hatchling discovers an entire community of hatchlings, all of whom are vivid and different and happy...
The hatchling joins them and is happy for a while, but we see the hatchling, troubled, going back to look at the unhatched eggs in the propaganda room - looking at the posters - and we see the hatchling move towards anger...
The last shot of the film maybe is this hatchling appearing to speak to the rest, perhaps showing them the poster... and the last moment shows them moving towards the reject chute as if some big change is on its way...
I think you can achieve much of what you want to do in a much more limited way in regards to environments and visual storytelling... What you've got here otherwise is too much story and too much complexity for a 2 minute short. What do you think?
OGR 23/01/2019
ReplyDeleteHey Vincent... so my instincts are you've got way too much story here for a two minute short; it's like you're trying to tell two stories, and your second story - the bearded egg's attempt to live in 'the real world' will require you to design another entire world. I also think the whole 'losing your glow' is a further complication you don't need. Can I suggest perhaps that you consider compressing your story in this sense... so after the purple egg is ejected it joins with a heap of other inert eggs (that don't hatch) - the purple egg hatches and looks around at its surrounding and on the walls of this reject area there are lots of 'Levittown' style posters depicting stereotypical heteronormative families - the posters are coded so while the characters on them are smiling, the audience (you and I) regard them as creepy and a bit sinister; think of it as heteronormative propaganda; so the hatched egg looks at these smiling faces or whatever and we watch as the hatchling figures out that it is 'wrong'... poor hatchling... then, from off-screen, we hear more cheerful noises... and through a door or hatch or whatever, the hatchling discovers an entire community of hatchlings, all of whom are vivid and different and happy...
The hatchling joins them and is happy for a while, but we see the hatchling, troubled, going back to look at the unhatched eggs in the propaganda room - looking at the posters - and we see the hatchling move towards anger...
The last shot of the film maybe is this hatchling appearing to speak to the rest, perhaps showing them the poster... and the last moment shows them moving towards the reject chute as if some big change is on its way...
I think you can achieve much of what you want to do in a much more limited way in regards to environments and visual storytelling... What you've got here otherwise is too much story and too much complexity for a 2 minute short. What do you think?